The Dignified Father

Earlier in this book we discussed the matter of respectability and how that word carries the idea of orderliness and a properly biblical lifestyle. Here we will carry some of that over to discuss the command of Paul to have children who are obedient and submissive to their father. For us to ever understand how this is possible, we must build upon a foundation of being a man worthy of respecting, so if you haven’t read that chapter, I would encourage you to do so, for I will be speaking here as if you already have.

When Paul turns his attention to the man of God and his relationship to his children, he does so with all the character qualities mentioned in the previous section in mind. He doesn’t divorce the need for blamelessness and not being a drunkard from the charge of fatherhood and child-rearing. Instead, he carries right along with what he was saying, assuming that we will be the kind of men who fit the description of 1 Timothy 3:2-3, and thus the kind of men who lead and love our children well. Interestingly though, Paul doesn’t charge men to love and dote over their children; he doesn’t command them to tuck them into bed at night or pick up when they fall. No, he charges the men to manage, or operate, their own households well, and in doing so, to have children who are well behaved, and all of that in a dignified manner.

For this chapter, I am simply going to walk through this verse, 1 Timothy 3:4, and give comment and application as I go. At the outset, Paul calls us as men to be managers of our own households. The word for manage in the Greek denotes being put over as a superintendent of sorts, the one responsible for the direction and condition of the household. I know we have all had bosses or worked with those who are poor managers. Their employees bad mouth them behind their backs, they are a joke when they try to command others attention, and they never really capture the hearts of their people. They may have some small amount of success in modifying behavior for the sake of a job, but there is no emotional and relational buy-in. A good manager, though, connects with the people on an individual level, not merely getting people to conform to the standard, but to actually love the standard. Along with this, we are told to be managers of our own households. Some of us are so busy “keeping up with the Jones’s” that we don’t see the hellish conditions of our own family. There is a time for godly encouragement and exhortation for those who are astray but let us never let that take the place of our focus over our own family.

He goes on to show that the primary way we manage our won households well is by keeping our children in submission. This can be difficult to navigate because of our sinful natures, and I’ll give you two reasons why. Firstly, our flesh can lead us into being overbearing tyrants. In Ephesians 6 we are told to “not provoke our children to anger” (Ephesians 6:4). Part of how we provoke them to anger, despair, and eventually begrudging and unliving submission, is by browbeating them and being overly harsh with them. Every father who has won the hearts of his children has done so by laying down cold, concrete standards, and then loving his children in word and deed when they follow them and when they don’t. Secondly, our flesh can lead us to being passive, weak, and cowardly men who become so afraid of the disapproval of our children that we never stand up to them and they never even get the chance to be obedient and submissive kids. This is the mom and dad who threaten but never enforce, who talk a big game but never follow through with real discipline. We cannot afford to fall into either one of these ditches.

For us, we should be looking to keep our children in submission with love, grace, and firm discipline. The proverb about sparing the rod and spoiling the child is true, but it is equally true that sparing love will spoil a child as well. We must thread the needle of grace and truth. As fathers, we are not afforded the luxury of taking shortcuts in the area of fatherhood. It is real blood, sweat, and tears kind of work, but it is what we were made for. We were made fathers by a heavenly Father, shown son-like obedience in Jesus Christ, and given comfort, conviction, and guidance in the form of the Holy Spirit and our wives. We should never look away from these great blessings, as well as the great responsibility we have. Men with children out of order are men who are abdicating their role as heads of household and who will be judged for it. May it be said of you that you loved and led your wife well, cared for your children well, and in doing so, changed the world.