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If you want the meat of this blog - scroll down to the 10 Principles.
If you want to understand the problem and live differently - enjoy the blog.
Par'ent (n.) - first in command.
Years ago, Erica and I were working in Southern California, and we began attending church near our home. We wanted a church close enough that we could walk to it on Sundays. It was our attempt at shrinking the large world around us down to a community we could wrap our arms around.
In many ways, it worked.
We began seeing church friends at the grocery stores and local parks. We found ourselves eating meals together, sharing hobbies, and consistently attending a mid-week Bible study.
At this point in our life, we were in our mid-twenties with no children and slightly cool enough to qualify as youth pastors. So, for a couple of years, we served part-time on the church staff, working with their high school youth. Primarily, it meant befriending a generation that was a decade behind us, hosting Bible studies and gatherings during the week, and planning a camp during the spring and fall.
Needless to say, it was a pretty sweet gig.
We learned many lessons during this time, but one stands out that I want to share with you: the significance of domestic discipleship. There is a God-given weight and responsibility that comes with being a parent—one might even say glory or kavod—but it is up to the parent to express it well.
There was one family in our church that did not parent well; they were having a difficult time with their son. The boy had a few social behaviors that annoyed the crowd, making it difficult for him to make friends. He was also a high school wrestler with poor hygiene, and being the smelly kid did not help. His parents were loud, socially awkward, and talked far more than they listened. Though they had attended church for much of their lives, they remained immature in their faith.
“The significance of domestic-discipleship. There is a God-given weight and responsibility that comes with being a parent...”
It was a Sunday potluck, and I remember getting trapped in a conversation with his parents. Both of them were frustrated with their son: his grades, misbehavior, attitude, friendships, disrespect at home, sneaking out, watching porn... the list goes on. The conversation carried on like this for a good while, and then it finally came to a pause when they asked the question:
“So… Can you fix him? Can you help spiritually mature my son? Isn’t that the job of a youth pastor?”
That's when I began to process the difference between a parent and a youth pastor.
Glory Lost
Parents, it is not the job of the youth pastor to “fix” your kid!
As desperate as things might be, remember, no one can replace a parent's calling. You might have found a few good mentors in the community for your children, but they can never completely fill your shoes.
Consider this.
Erica and I were youth pastors for this young man. On average, we spent five hours a week with him in a controlled, safe environment.
We did not see his morning and evening routines.
We did not know his teachers and coaches.
We knew very little about his natural habits, manners, discipline, and speech.
We did not know his friends or his peer group at school.
We exercised no real authority and discipline over his life.
We could not require family chores or household responsibilities.
We were not setting goals or plans for his future.
We did not see him at work, so we knew almost nothing of his work ethic.
Was he timely?
Was he teachable?
Was he a good teammate?
And, by God's plan, we were only given two years with him.
The point is that we had almost zero domestic weight in his life. Out of the 168 hours in his week, we had five.
That is the irony of a parent asking a youth pastor to fix their child. It's almost sarcastic.
Yet, God works through youth pastors, coaches, and teachers constantly to change children's lives.
But this blog is not about the captains; it's about the Generals—the parents.
God did not give us full-grown plants and pre-cut pillars. He gave us shoots that needed to be nurtured. and stones that needed chiseled.
Therefore, You cannot afford to be like the family in this blog. Not only is your child's discipleship on the line, but your family legacy and personal discipleship are also on the line. The sad truth about this couple is that a few years after we moved away, their marriage ended in divorce. I believe this is because they failed to embrace the God-given responsibilities within the family.
You might think that is a short-sighted conclusion, but parenting has a way of refining all parties. In order to parent well, you have to become a good father and mother, a godly man and woman. This should ultimately benefit a marriage rather than tear it apart.
Remember, discipleship has a way of developing both father and son. In that way, domestic discipleship is ultimately God's plan for sanctifying the entire household.
Glory Regained
"May our sons in their youth be like plants full grown, our daughters like corner pillars cut for the structure of a palace." (Psalm 144:12)
Psalm 144 is filled with prayers that every parent should live for.
This is a picture of what it would look like if our children were to walk in the truth of the Lord (3 John 4).
But, as parents, we have to reckon with the reality that God did not give us full-grown plants and pre-cut pillars. He gave us shoots that needed to be nurtured. and stones that needed chiseled.
Therefore, the endless rhythms of parenting have eternal value.
The endless rhythms of: brushing teeth,
picking up shoes,
making meals,
cleaning the kitchen,
weeding the garden,
doing homework,
etc...
They are the means God has planned for your child's sanctification.
Sitting in the waiting room at the Karate Studio or sharing a boxing class with your child is far more important than the errand you were going to run with that free time.
Therefore, we must pray.
Why? Because parenting is hard and extremely tiring at times.
But if we can learn to see ourselves, our homes, and the natural rhythms of life as God's plan of discipleship for our children, we just might embrace our responsibility rather than foist it onto the shoulders of a youth pastor.
"God, help us to see your purpose in family discipleship. Amen."
10 Principles to Pray Through
1. Parenting is domestic discipleship.
"Train up a child in the way he should go..." (Proverbs 22:6)
2. Discipleship is woven into everything you do as a parent.
"You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." (Deuteronomy 6:7)
3. Parenting is God's 2-way road of discipleship.
"Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged." (Colossians 3:20-21)
4. Your children are your chief legacy.
"Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD..." (Psalm 127:3–5)
5. Parenting should reveal the nature of God.
"As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him. " (Psalm 107:13)
6. Children will honor and respect someone; God says it should be you.
"Honor your father and your mother..." (Exodus 20:12)
7. Obedience is first taught in the home.
"Children, obey your parents in everything..." (Colossians 3:20)
8. Domestic discipleship is necessary for peace.
"Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart. (Proverbs 29:17)
9. When it's hard, keep one eye on the future.
"Grandchildren are the crown of the aged..." (Proverbs 17:6)
10. The hard work of discipleship is worth it.
"...and the glory of children is their fathers." (Proverbs 17:6)
A note to those in difficult situations:
There are times and situations that demand others step in and help raise our children. It might be a hardship, divorce, or death in the family. This blog is not to press the pain points we are all familiar with that lead to these situations.
Rather, it is to encourage mothers and fathers, even grandparents.
There is a God-given glory that belongs to you, and it is the right to lead your home and to disciple your children.
Do everything you can to own it.
Your children need you.
God is for you.
And when things are difficult, do not be ashamed to lean on the support around you. God is a merciful Father who knows your needs and provides help to those in need.